Gone with the Food
by Dante Gemini
Summary: Quina is a dangerous, wanted criminal on a gourmand rampage. A team of Zidane, Garnet, and Eiko attempt to capture her before she eats something or someone.
1. A Little Snack

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
A Little Snack  
  
The bus came to a stop. The door opened, and Eiko hopped out. A multitude of other kids her age soon followed behind her, and eventually dispersed, all walking home.  
  
Eiko was wearing her usual clothes, along with her small moogle backpack. She also had her flute clutched in one hand, as she skipped happily down the sidewalk. She began to play her flute sporadically; often interrupted by the occasional stop sign, where she had to look both ways before crossing the street.  
  
She continued to hop merrily and play on her instrument, when her ears suddenly detected a certain cacophony.  
  
"What was that?" she said, looking behind her back. "I thought I heard someone walking next to me for a second. Hm. Ah, oh well! La la la la la la!"  
  
She persisted in her musical endeavor, not ever peering back again.  
  
"La la la la!"  
  
Large footsteps crept up under Eiko's blissful music notes. She could not hear them. Someone, or rather, something, to be more precise, soon intercepted her, however. The massive form suddenly seemed to appear out of nowhere, standing stasis directly in front of Eiko.  
  
"I Quina! Quina really hungry!"  
  
"Huh?" Eiko hesitated for a moment, just taking notice of the gigantic gourmand monster in front of her.  
  
"My mommy told me not to talk to strangers," Eiko said.  
  
"Quina so very hungry! Cannot take no more!"  
  
Thus, with that last, very intelligent, grammatically correct, un- Neanderthal statement, Quina devoured Eiko in one gluttonous gulp. 


	2. Quina, the Food Bandit

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Quina, the Food Bandit  
  
Zidane and Garnet just got out of school. They were finally going out; they soon became a popular couple. They loved each other with a love that never dwindled, as they walked together and got on one of the school buses. They sat next to each other in one seat, and talked tenderly to each other. No one disturbed them.  
  
As the bus reached their stop, they gathered up their belongings. Garnet grabbed her chocobo satchel hurriedly, while Zidane snatched his backpack depicting Bahamut from off the seat.  
  
They exited the bus, and the doors closed behind them, no other students following after them. This was their own bus stop. They began to walk down the sidewalk, holding hands, sauntering to Zidane's house.  
  
"Is your mother home today, Zidane?" Garnet asked.  
  
"No, she's out trying to find a job again," he said.  
  
They turned the corner and started walking down Zidane's street.  
  
"So, Zidane, why don't we....."  
  
Their conversation was abruptly interrupted. Out of the sky, like a giant meteor, came Quina, the food monstrosity. She crashed to the earth, and at once, grabbed Garnet, holding her like a hostage.  
  
"Garnet!"  
  
Garnet tried to squirm out, but it proved to be no use. Quina's massively lard-packed fat arms locked her in mercilessly.  
  
"Zidane, help!"  
  
"Let her go!"  
  
Zidane punched Quina in the stomach, but it was futile. The blow was easily absorbed by incredible fat.  
  
"Why you struggle? Quina just wants food! You have food?" the gourmand thundered.  
  
"No, let me go!"  
  
"Give me food!"  
  
Zidane jumped atop Quina's head and began slapping it.  
  
"Monkey?" Quina wondered stupidly, while examining Zidane's tail.  
  
Zidane slammed his fist into Quina's face.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
Quina dropped the helpless Garnet.  
  
"FOOD!" she cried in confusion, holding her huge face, while her multiple chins swung in the wind.  
  
"Come on, Garnet! RUN!" Zidane screamed in a panic, grabbing her hand hastily.  
  
They ran down the street, as Quina stood staggering, grasping her obese face.  
  
"That must be Quina, the Food Bandit!" Garnet cried. "She, or he, or is it a she? Anyway, it's a dangerous wanted criminal! I saw it on the news the other day!"  
  
Quina yelped loudly in pain.  
  
"Ouch! Hurt bad!"  
  
Suddenly, his/her stomach began to rumble. He/she clutched it. (That's it! From now on, Quina is a she! It's just too annoying to keep putting he/she.)  
  
"What this now?"  
  
Abruptly, the gurgling sound rose and increased, causing Quina, whom is now a she, to expel the strange object from her mouth. It was Eiko.  
  
"Ah! There's nothing quite like the smell of putrid regurgitation on a fresh, crisp afternoon!" Eiko said, completely drenched in Quina's noxious bodily junk food fluids.  
  
"Ah! That much better!" Quina said. "But what a waste of good food!"  
  
Quina recovered, and finally took notice of Zidane and Garnet's fleeing.  
  
"Quina want food! Like Limburger cheese, or eggplant parmesan, or spicy sausage, or chicken fajitas, or broccoli and cheese soup, or corned beef hash, or tuna tartar, or black licorice, or honey-baked ham, or food!"  
  
Quina transformed into a giant bowling ball, and began to roll down the street, as powerful as a steamroller, in an attempt to crush the two. They ran as fast as they could, with Quina slowly gaining on them.  
  
"Zidane, quick! Get the key out! Your house is right there!"  
  
Zidane fumbled for the keys, searching his pockets. He finally found them, as they approached his house.  
  
"Quick! Let's get in, Garnet!"  
  
As they approached the front door, they noticed an unusual silence. They turned around, and saw that no one was in sight. Nobody running, nor rolling.  
  
"Hm. Strange. How could something that massive disappear just like that?"  
  
Zidane put in the key, turned the doorknob, and opened the door. They gasped when they saw someone standing there unexpectedly, in the doorway. 


	3. The Precocious Eiko and the Two Idiots

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
The Precocious Eiko and the Two Idiots  
  
It was Eiko.  
  
"How on Terra did you get in here?" Zidane asked.  
  
"Ugh. Actually, I don't know. I don't remember. It all just doesn't make any sense, like why people laugh hysterically at that idiot actor, Jim Carey."  
  
"Well, quick! Let's call the police!" Garnet cried. "Quina's still lurking around here! And, not to mention, she's after our food!"  
  
"Hey, I never noticed that before!" Zidane said, ignoring the yelling Garnet.  
  
"What?" Garnet wondered, as she dialed 911 on Zidane's phone.  
  
"That little horn on Eiko's forehead! That's weird!"  
  
"No, you may not touch it," Eiko said, while slapping away Zidane's hand.  
  
"Hey, did you lock the door?" Garnet asked, holding the phone to her ear as it began to ring. "Lock it!"  
  
Zidane locked it. Eiko looked at him as if looking into the eyes of a true imbecile.  
  
Zidane's cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his back pocket, and pressed the button to talk. It was his mom.  
  
"Zidane, I'm coming home! Another unfortunate and discouraging day for me."  
  
"Mom, listen to me! Someone's after us! It's that criminal Quina! She tried to attack us and steal all our food on the way home!"  
  
"What?!? Quina?!?!? Did she try to eat you?"  
  
"No, but she did throw up this little girl, Eiko. She's here with us now."  
  
"Oh my goodness! Did you call 911 yet?!?"  
  
"Garnet's trying to talk to them now."  
  
"Okay. I'll be right home!"  
  
She hung up. Zidane put the cell phone away.  
  
"It's still ringing," Garnet said. "Zidane, I'm really scared. This is freaking me out."  
  
"I'm getting the frying pan," Zidane said.  
  
"What are you doing?!?" Eiko screamed.  
  
"What does it look like? I'm getting the frying pan," Zidane said, opening a kitchen cupboard, and extracting a pot from it. "Here you go. Take this, Eiko. Catch!"  
  
Zidane threw a pot to Eiko, and she caught it. He pulled a frying pan out of the same cupboard, and clutched it firmly in his hand. Then, all of a sudden, there was a loud barrage of noises: BAM! BANG! CLANK! CRASH! SHATTER!  
  
"Whoa! What was that?!?" cried a shaken Garnet, dropping the phone from her hands.  
  
"Well, I don't know for sure, but I think it could've either been the sound of a nuclear test-run explosion, where a race of intelligent, shrewd chickens are planning to control the world by means of whole-wheat bagels, or it's Quina!" Zidane said. "What are you waiting for?!? Call the police!"  
  
"I've been trying!" Garnet screamed back. "I'm scared!"  
  
"Okay, I'll go look," Zidane said. "I think it came from the garage."  
  
He then proceeded to open the garage door.  
  
"Wait!" Garnet said. "Hold on!"  
  
She left the room, and came back with an orange in her hand.  
  
"What the heck is that for?" Eiko asked.  
  
"Eating!" Garnet responded, unusually gleefully. "I'm hungry. I haven't had my after-school snack!"  
  
"Is the frontal lobe in your cranium fully functional?"  
  
"Huh?!? You know, for a little girl, you use big.....ugh.....um.....what's the word....."  
  
They awaited in silence.  
  
"Words! That was it! Words! You use big words!"  
  
Eiko looked at her with a worried expression, turning to Zidane, who still held his hand on the knob of the garage door.  
  
"Open it, Zidane!" Eiko screamed. "Before I lose my sanity!"  
  
He opened the door, with Eiko and Garnet looking over his shoulder. Garnet began shaking with fear again, while Eiko stood poised, the pot clutched in her hand and raised in the air. The door made a loud, long creaking sound. They hesitantly entered the garage.  
  
"Nobody here," Zidane said. "But look! The second shelf came completely off and fell to the floor. All of the tools are everywhere! What a mess! My dad is gonna have a chocobo!"  
  
"So this was what caused all of the noise. Well, at least nothing got eaten," Eiko commented, trying to console (or maybe frighten) the terrified Garnet.  
  
They went back inside the house, to the kitchen, where Garnet dialed a number on the phone. It rang, and someone answered on the other line.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, Freya! What's up? It's Garnet. Um, yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. Well, of course! Yeah!"  
  
"Garnet, what are you doing?!? Call the police!" Eiko said.  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Ha. I forgot."  
  
Garnet said goodbye to Freya, and ended her call.  
  
"Okay, it's 911, right?"  
  
"Ugh! Give me that!" Eiko said, snatching the phone from Garnet's hand.  
  
She dialed 911. Nothing happened. No ring or anything.  
  
"That's bizarre."  
  
Garnet became vexed and irritated.  
  
"Ugh. Give me it, little girl. You're too immature. Let someone older and smarter do it."  
  
Eiko let out a laugh, leaving her vulnerable to phone snatching. Garnet swiped the phone away from her.  
  
"Thank you!"  
  
Suddenly, Eiko noticed something.  
  
"What a minute! Something isn't right."  
  
She looked around, searching everywhere. She searched all of the rooms, the whole house. Zidane had vanished. 


	4. An Egg, Zidane

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
An Egg, Zidane  
  
"Wait, where's Zidane?" Eiko wondered.  
  
"Huh?" Garnet said, dropping the phone once again.  
  
"I can't find him!"  
  
Tense music ensued, out of nowhere. Garnet looked at the ceiling stupidly.  
  
"What the hell is that?!?"  
  
"It's suspenseful music, you idiot."  
  
"Yeah, but why.....ugh.....never mind."  
  
They searched for the lost Zidane.  
  
"Nowhere to be found," Eiko said, while trying to suppress a smile. "Oh, well....."  
  
"Where is he?!?" Garnet panicked.  
  
Suddenly, a giant orb of obesity came crashing down, creating a tremor and a huge crater in the midst of the living room. The enormous blob immediately grabbed Garnet. It was Quina, of course. She put her massive mitt of a hand over Garnet's mouth to silence her, attempting to walk away quickly, unnoticed, but honestly, how could that mammoth form actually go unnoticed? Eiko saw what Quina was attempting.  
  
"Ah!!! It's Quina!"  
  
"Give me all your food. If you don't I eat you!"  
  
"I'll save you, Garnet!"  
  
From out of thin air, Eiko pulled out the increasingly useful bulbous pot. She rushed blindly at Quina, but something intervened the assail. It was Zidane. He appeared from the sky, landing atop Quina's head, hitting her multiple times with the frying pan he had been armed with before. Garnet was released from the monstrous clutch of the gourmand.  
  
"Call the police, Garnet!" Eiko screamed. "Hurry!"  
  
"Wait, where did you come from?" Garnet asked Zidane.  
  
"Oh. I got lost. Sorry."  
  
"What?!?" Eiko said, stunned with awe. "Idiot!"  
  
Quina was creating quite a commotion, staggering to and fro stupidly, patting her aching head.  
  
"Wait. I have an idea," Eiko said. "Zidane, do you have eggs? Ugh. Oh wait, let me put it in dumber terms. Duh....."  
  
"Oh, okay. Yeah, we have eggs!" Zidane said, finally understanding. "I'll go get one."  
  
He ran to the kitchen, and opened the refrigerator. He extracted a bottle of orange juice. He tossed it to Eiko from afar, and she, not expecting it, caused it to land on her head, bursting and expelling all of its contents all over her. She was drenched in it.  
  
"Oh, sorry! I spilled the egg all over you," Zidane apologized.  
  
"An egg, you idiot!!!"  
  
Eiko rushed to the refrigerator and obtained an egg herself.  
  
"I guess if you want to get things done, like acquiring eggs from refrigerators, you have to do it yourself."  
  
Eiko then proceeded with her precocious, punctilious, even pretty good, plan. She grabbed the frying pan from Zidane, and placed it on the stove. She turned it on, and it heated. She cracked the egg open, spewing its innards onto the sizzling pan. It cooked.  
  
Meanwhile, Quina remained rubbing her humongous head, her fat-crammed cranium.  
  
"What are you doing?" Garnet asked.  
  
"I'm cooking!" Eiko yelled. "Duh....."  
  
"Food?!?" Quina shook her spacious head clear. "Food!!!"  
  
She smelled the aroma of the frying egg.  
  
"You want it? Then, come get it!!!" Eiko told Quina.  
  
Quina rolled into a rushing, ravenous rampage. 


	5. The Clever Capture

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The Clever Capture  
  
"Pst! Garnet! Get the phone and call the police!" Eiko cried. "Garnet!"  
  
Garnet was thrown into an abrupt, futile state of stupidity. It was soon shattered.  
  
"Oh! What? What did you say?"  
  
"I said, my dear feeble-minded, retarded, mentally-disabled moron, to call the police!"  
  
"Ah! Sorry! Geez, settle down. You know, you use big words for a little girl."  
  
"Ugh."  
  
Quina ran for the frying egg like an untamable beast. Eiko ran all around the house, having the hypnotized hippopotamus follow her.  
  
Meanwhile, Garnet dialed the police. Zidane's cell phone rang simultaneously and uncannily, and he answered it. It was his mom.  
  
"I called the police, Zidane. They're....."  
  
"Mom, listen," Zidane interrupted. "Quina is here! Help us! Get the police over here now!"  
  
"Oh my God, are you hurt? Is she armed?"  
  
"Yes. With an abnormally large appetite for anything that doesn't move."  
  
"Oh my God! I'll tell the police to go to the house right now!"  
  
She hung up.  
  
"Put the phone down, Garnet. My mom called the police," Zidane said.  
  
Garnet seemed to ignore Zidane. She was talking to someone on the other line.  
  
"So, yeah. Like I was saying, Freya, I don't think you should. I mean, it's your choice....."  
  
"You were talking to Freya?!?"  
  
"Well, yeah. Duh....."  
  
Abruptly, Eiko came back into the room with the voracious Quina, attempting to stall her.  
  
"Did you call the police, Garnet?" Eiko asked.  
  
"Who?!?"  
  
"Ugh. You....."  
  
"Don't worry, Eiko. My mom took care of it," Zidane told her.  
  
"Wow. At least you have one smart person in your family," Eiko said. "Hm. Must be your dad's side that's re....."  
  
Eiko was intervened by the persistent gourmand. She reacted quickly; she jumped high into the air, with the enticing aroma of egg streaming and waving, as she landed the pan directly on Quina's head. It sounded like a hollow log hitting water. Quina was knocked out cold.  
  
"Hm. There must be plenty of blubber in that noggin," Eiko said, as she gently touched the ground from her leap.  
  
About 10 minutes later, the police arrived at the house, with Zidane's mom following close behind. The cops handcuffed the gourmand, as she lay unconscious.  
  
"Good work, kids," one of the cops, said. "That was clever work, how you used an egg as a diversion."  
  
"Yes, it was," Eiko said, nodding her head in concurrence.  
  
"Well, here is the reward money. A thousand dollars."  
  
He handed it all to Zidane, who would carefully divide it amongst them. But Eiko snatched it all hastily from his hand.  
  
"Thank you!" Eiko said, as she began walking down the sidewalk, heading home, flipping her fingers through the money and counting the bills in her head. 


	6. Return of the Gourmand

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Return of the Gourmand  
  
Eiko had meandered down the sidewalk, turned the corner, and was gone.  
  
"Hey! She took off with all the dough!" Zidane exclaimed in exasperation. "After all that mess!"  
  
"Just let her go, Zidane," Garnet told him. "She deserves it actually."  
  
"Yeah, well.....whatever."  
  
The cops made many attempts to load the unconscious gourmand into the backseat of the police car. She was simply impossible to move. They first tried lifting her, but they couldn't seem to pull her weight. They then tried to push her and roll her, but her mass wouldn't budge. They finally managed to get her into the backseat by means of a powerful carjack-like device created by Zidane's father. Quina's body slid off awkwardly, tumbling into the backseat. The cops' car shook; Quina made the car seem unbalanced and tilted.  
  
Zidane's mom rushed up to them in worry.  
  
"Oh my God! Kids, are you okay?" she cried. "Are you hurt?"  
  
"We're okay, mom," Zidane said, embarrassed and conspicuously annoyed.  
  
"Oh, thank the Lord!" she said, embracing Zidane tightly. "Well, that's all that matters."  
  
The police talked to them for a while, asking them questions, checking to see if there was any damage, if everyone was well. They soon left and drove away, with the belly of the food thief glued to the back window.  
  
Normalcy soon returned to everyone's lives. Quina was finally arrested, and put behind very secure bars. The relationship between Zidane and Garnet seemed to grow stronger, specifically directly afterward the gourmand incident. Garnet was more affectionate and passionate to Zidane, inferring that he was the hero who saved her from the gigantic food monstrosity, even though he clearly was not.  
  
One night however, an anomaly pierced through the normalcy. Zidane and Garnet were watching a movie together, eating popcorn and drinking soda at Zidane's house. Garnet's legs were stretched out across Zidane's lap, as she gazed poignantly at the romantic chickflick. Zidane sipped some soda, as he watched Garnet's face. He was obviously dragged into watching this movie by Garnet, so he instead beheld her breathtaking beauty. Her eyes were deep and compassionate; her lips were full and soft; her face was calm and gentle. He stared at her, entranced by her attractiveness.  
  
The movie ended and the credits began to roll. Garnet sighed.  
  
"That was such a good movie."  
  
Zidane kept looking at her. He brought his face closer to hers. Garnet didn't even notice him; she was busy rewinding the movie with the remote. The television turned back to the default channel as the movie began to reverse back to the beginning.  
  
Garnet sensed Zidane's intention and countered it with a palm to his lips.  
  
"Hold on, Zidane," she said. "Look at this!"  
  
They turned their attention toward the TV, Garnet raising the volume with the remote controller significantly to hear it clearly. It was a newsflash.  
  
"The notorious food bandit, Quina, has broken out of the state prison. The guards watching the cells were apparently knocked out, heavily bruised and maimed by the persuasive gourmand. The only thing that was left in her wake was large marks left on her cell's bars and pieces scattered across the floor, apparently....."  
  
"Whoa, those look like teeth marks!" Zidane intervened, commenting on the mysterious slashing of the cell bars, and what was left of the prison cell. "Holy mackerel!"  
  
"What's a fish doing there?" Garnet wondered, pointing to the mackerel Zidane was referring to. "Maybe she dropped it."  
  
"Maybe I should call mom and let her know about this."  
  
"Who cares? It's just a mackerel."  
  
"No, I mean about Quina breaking out of jail."  
  
Zidane dialed his mom's cell phone number. She was out shopping at the mall.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, mom."  
  
"Oh! Hey, Zidane. Is everything okay there?"  
  
"Yeah, here. But we just saw on the news that Quina broke out of jail."  
  
"What?!? Oh my God! Be sure to check if the door is locked!"  
  
"Relax, mom. What are the chances of that huge, fat, stupid monster coming back here?"  
  
"Well, just be cautious and aware. Keep watching for news updates and make sure the house is closed tight."  
  
"Okay, mom. Just wanted to tell you. Bye!"  
  
He hung up.  
  
"She really overreacts," Zidane said to Garnet. "She gets all messed up."  
  
"Maybe we should be careful, Zidane," Garnet said. "I mean, she might seek revenge on us or something."  
  
"That stupid thing? Garnet, what are the chances of that happening? What are the chances of that stupid food idiot suddenly coming crashing through the wall like a freight train, seeking out revenge on us, and in another attempt to steal our food? What are the chances....."  
  
KABOOM! The wall beside Garnet and Zidane was no more; something apparently barreled straight through it from the outside. The smoke of the crash's aftermath subsided and revealed a monstrous form; Quina had returned.  
  
"Food!" she yelled stupidly, in a beastly fashion. "Food! Food!!!!!" 


	7. Consumption Combustion

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Consumption Combustion  
  
"Ah! Zidane! She's back!" Garnet cried.  
  
"You know, this is getting old really fast," Zidane said.  
  
"Do something!"  
  
"Alright! It's time to end this now."  
  
"FOOD!" Quina roared, as she charged at Zidane.  
  
"It's time to finally get rid of this fat idiot."  
  
Quina gathered speed and rolled up into her "huge ball-o-fat" form. She rolled violently, destroying things in her path of immense destruction. Zidane dodged her and the random debris kicked up by the wind she created. She tore up the room like a frenzied donut-consuming tempest. Zidane fled from the chaos, Quina chasing behind him. He ran to the kitchen, and flung open the refrigerator door. Quina rolled around the corner, and came into sight. Zidane grabbed a carton of yogurt from the refrigerator and lured Quina with it.  
  
"Come get it."  
  
"Food!" Quina exclaimed.  
  
Zidane hurled the yogurt at the gourmand. She caught it in her gluttonous mouth and devoured it instantly.  
  
"Hm," Zidane thought. "I got a plan."  
  
He began to throw every edible object that was in the refrigerator at Quina. She went into a complete food consumption frenzy. Soon, however, Zidane's refrigerator was empty. Quina seemed unchanged; her stomach remained the same size, and it did not seem to have expanded from the food. A large belch emitted from her mouth, shaking the earth terribly. Her stomach rumbled, and she appeared not satiated.  
  
"Food!" she cried.  
  
"Oh great. That's the end of that plan," Zidane said. "Crap."  
  
"Well, here's your plan B," Garnet yelled, appearing in the kitchen quite suddenly. "Eidolons, I summon you! Come forth to my aid!"  
  
All of the eidolons of the universe appeared out of apparent nothingness, overcrowding Zidane's house annoyingly.  
  
"What the hell was that supposed to do, Garnet?" Zidane asked, in a panic of utter claustrophobia.  
  
"Watch!" Garnet yelled back to him, from behind the rump of one of the many eidolons.  
  
Soon, all of the eidolons began to gradually disappear. The house started to return to its usual commodious state. Zidane couldn't understand what was happening; how the eidolons were dispersing, or what Garnet's plan B was. Then, something caught his attention that caused his confusion to fade. Quina had eaten most of the eidolons, he noticed; she was just finishing up inhaling a talon.  
  
"Whoa," Zidane said in awe.  
  
Quina was now about the size of a mammoth wrecking ball. She looked as though she was ready to burst.  
  
"Food," she groaned. "Food."  
  
She could no longer move. Her legs were being crushed by her own massive weight. Her arms (or rather, her hands, since her arms were nonexistent because of her immense obesity) flailed stupidly and purposelessly. She was, indeed, in a profound state of immobility.  
  
"I guess when it comes to picking out certain foods and eating, you're well-rounded!" Garnet giggled, amused by her own brilliant pun.  
  
There were no eidolons left. The house was empty again.  
  
"So, how did you like plan B?" Garnet asked Zidane.  
  
"Brilliant, Garnet. But wait! It's still not complete."  
  
Zidane stuck his fingers in his mouth and let out a large whistle. Crashing through the wall came a chocobo, answering Zidane's beckon.  
  
"Good boy!" Zidane petted it on the beak. "Now, go get it!"  
  
Zidane threw a chocotreat in the air, and it landed directly on one of Quina's various chins. The chocobo charged at Quina, craving its treat. When it came within close parameters of Quina, she inhaled it like an avaricious vacuum. Down her greasy gullet went the unfortunate chocobo. Quina hiccupped a couple of bright feathers. With the addition of the chocobo to Quina's extensive "food" collection, her body expanded to its limits. The pressure soon became unbearable to contain, as Quina shook and rumbled uncontrollably. She let out a muffled sound of flatulence. With that said and done, she exploded. 


	8. At Least It's All Over

*Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 9, or its characters.  
  
Chapter 8  
  
At Least It's All Over  
  
Fat and other bodily fluids flooded Zidane's house like a violent deluge. All of the eidolons were expelled from the gourmand's body now; all sent every which way from the catastrophic explosion. Garnet allowed them to return (to wherever the came from; where do they come from anyway?) home. Many eidolons were already sent home due to the strong expulsion of the blast. The gourmand's bursting was like a cataclysmic eruption.  
  
Meanwhile, in faraway Alaska, the expelled chocobo landed headfirst in a thick snow bank. He recovered and shook off the snow happily; he was finally free from the treacherous bowels of Quina.  
  
"Kweh! Kweh!"  
  
Then, without warning, a humongous penguin snuck up behind the chocobo, and with one scoop of the mouth, swallowed the chocobo. It burped and waddled away in indifference.  
  
Back at Zidane's house, the kitchen and the living room were completely drenched in a swampy soup. Garnet tried to climb up high to prevent damage to her clothes and hair.  
  
"Gross!" she exclaimed, fretting.  
  
"Ah! Mom's going to kill me! Don't worry, I'll clean it up," Zidane assured her. "Somehow."  
  
Zidane noticed the debris that floated atop of the swamp like small sluggish rafts.  
  
"Hey! That's my mom's old curling iron!" Zidane noticed, it hovering across the oily pool. "That stupid food idiot must have eaten it! Well, at least she's finally gone and done eating things that I don't think are even edible. Better call mom."  
  
Zidane plucked a phone from the lardy water; it was gliding across it like a chocobo feather. He dialed his mom's phone and told her the whole story of their new adventures with the terrible food criminal, and of course of the swampy mess that was left of her.  
  
"Oh my!" Zidane's mom exclaimed. "I'll be sure to call 1-800-WE-CLEAN- UP-CRAP-IN-LESS-THAN-TEN-MINUTES-OR right away! Well, at least you two are safe. That's what's important. Although you do realize that you practically destroyed our house, and not to mention that you are grounded for probably like 24 years."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
Zidane said goodbye to his mom, and hung up.  
  
Meanwhile, Garnet observed a toilet stuck in some disgusting goop. She then turned towards Zidane; upon discovering something that might of concerned him.  
  
"Zidane," she said. "Look at this."  
  
From the fatty waste, she scooped up a long furry-like object.  
  
"Ah! My tail!" Zidane sobbed.  
  
"Well, would you look at that," Garnet said. "Well, at least I don't have to sneak in at night anymore to attempt to cut it off, since it's so unattractive.....I mean.....look! Lemons!"  
  
"Where?!?" Zidane looked up at the ceiling in utter confusion.  
  
"Oh, never mind. Must have been.....I don't know, a manila folder or something."  
  
"Oh. Well, at least it's all over, huh?"  
  
"Yep. Thank goodness. And I didn't even get my clothes all nasty."  
  
A huge bubble arose mysteriously from the goopy surface of the swamp and popped, after growing about ten times its size. It popped directly in Garnet's face and soaked her in the distasteful internal fluids of the unforgettable gourmand.  
  
End. 


End file.
